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Jan. 29th, 2007



Genesis Part 5

Jacob went and met his brother Esau along with a ginormous amount of people (400 to be exact). He was stressing out and bought him a bunch of goat gifts. Before he met his brother, he wrestled with God in the Holy WWF match. Jacob won and God blessed him and called him Israel because he overcame his struggle. After the match, Jacob met Esau and it went well, better than he thought.

This big kahuna guy in the area that Jacob lived raped Jacob’s daughter, Dinah, and then he was wanting to marry her. Jacob was not happy. This big kahuna guy (called Schechem) was trying to bribe Jacob’s family. They weren’t really having it, but said that if he would become circumcised, he could have Dinah and that both sets of people could start intermarrying. They agreed and everybody got circumcised. Three days later, they were all sore and Jacob’s sons ambushed the city and killed every male in revenge and took all the women, children, and stuff. Jacob was worried he’d now have to many enemies but Jacob’s sons said they couldn’t treat their “sister like a prostitute”.

Later, Jacob went and settled in a town called Bethel and converted everybody around him over to his beliefs. Then God came to him, re-blesses him and changed his name again to Israel. Do you remember Rachel and Isaac (Jacob’s parents)? Well, Rachel was having yet another kid when she died in childbirth. Isaac called him Benjamin. Isaac died sometime later after living for what seems to be forever because biblical people lived very long lives.

To Be Continued...

Jan. 15th, 2007



Genesis Part 4

(Continued from previous post...)

Later, Isaac called his son Jacob and told him not to marry one of the women in the area he was living but instead to marry one of his cousins from BFE. Jacob said, “okay” and added it to his to-do list. His brother Esau realized that his dad didn’t like either of the women he married so he took one of his cousins as a third wife.

One day when Jacob went to sleep, he had a dream about God who told him he would be blessed and prosperous just like his dad and granddad (Abraham). When he woke up, he said, “Awesome!” and renamed the city Bethel which means (I imagine loosely?) house of God. He set up a stone and pledged that when God blessed him, he’d give a tenth of everything.

Jacob continued his journey until he arrived in the city his father was from. He fell in love with a girl named Rachel and her father whored her out, promising to give Jacob Rachel in return for seven years of work. Jacob agreed, but Rachel’s dad tricked him and gave him her older daughter, Leah. Jacob and Leah got freaky before Jacob could know the difference and the damage was done. Jacob was not happy, but was promised Rachel after another seven years of work. He obliged and later got Rachel who he loved considerably more than Leah.

God saw that Leah was not loved and allowed her to give birth to four sons: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. Rachel couldn’t have children and became jealous of her sister and got a bit pissed off. She told her husband to have sex with her maid who would act as a surrogate mother to her. Rachel took ownership of all the kids had and named them Dan and Naphtali. When this maid stopped having kids, she gave her other maid to Jacob as a wife and said, “here sleep with her!” She gave birth to Gad and Asher, claimed by Rachel. Later, Leah’s son went to gather plants and Rachel wanted some. Leah said, “no bitch, you took my husband and now you want my plants!?” Well, Rachel then whored out her husband and said that he could have sex with Leah that night in exchange for the plants and Leah agreed. When Jacob got freaky with Leah, out popped baby number five, named Issacher. She later had a sixth son and called him Zebulun. Lastly, Leah gave birth to a girl named Dinah. Meanwhile, God realize he forgot about Rachel and allowed her to give birth to a son named Joseph.

Now, Joseph had a dream where God told him to pack up all his shit and go since conditions where he lived were turning unfavorable. Jacob consulted his wives and they loaded up the camel and left to return home. Later, the dad of his wives hunted them down and was a bit pissy but they worked it out in the end and everything was all good.

To be continued...

Jan. 8th, 2007



Part 3

Later, Abraham hired a wife-getting service for his son, Isaac. He was picky, however, and said that he didn’t want Isaac to have a wife from where they were living, but he wanted the guy to haul his ass all the way over to where Abraham originally came from to get a wife and haul her all the way back to Isaac. The guy said, “sure why not” and did as he was told, while lugging ten camels with him. He found a wife by the name of Rebekah who happened to be an attractive and nice virgin. It was a small ordeal, but Rebekah went home with the marriage-service guy and married Isaac. They loved each other.

Meanwhile, Abraham remarried and had six more kids. He treated him well and gave them stuff, but Isaac was the sole heir to everything he had. Abraham soon grew old and died. God now blessed Isaac.

In other news, Ishmael has a ton of kids, a dozen to be exact. They each become a tribal ruler. Ishmael died and his descendants lived around Egypt.

We jump back to Isaac and Rebekah. Rebekah couldn’t have kids, so Isaac prayed and all was well again and she became pregnant with twins. God told her it was two nations who will be separated and one will be better than the other. They were named Esau (sometimes called Edom) and Jacob.

Isaac thought about moving back home, but God came down and said, “no, don’t, I’ll bless you if you do everything I say and I say stick it out here a bit longer!” Isaac said, “okay”. Like his father, Isaac and Rebekah were pulling the “I’m his sister not his wife” business. Luckily, things get sorted out soon enough. Later, Isaac built a nice place with a lot of wells and God again told him he would be blessed. The king from the around the corner (who had earlier kicked Isaac out) verbally “signed” a treaty that they would be nice to each other. Isaac’s son Esau married two different women who were both terrible in-laws to Isaac and Rebekah.

Isaac was old and dying and asked his son Esau to go hunting and bring him something good to eat and if he did that, Isaac would bless him. Rebekah overheard and told her favorite son, Jacob to get the goats and beat Esau to the punch and trick his dad to get the blessing instead. It turns out that the scheme worked and Jacob was blessed. Later, Isaac found out but it was too late. Apparently, he couldn’t bless them both equally and instead blessed Esau to work for and serve Jacob. Esau was pissed, to say the least and thought of killing Jacob. In response, Jacob ran away to his Uncle’s house for a bit.

To be continued...

Jan. 2nd, 2007



Genesis: In Lamest Terms Part 2

(Continued from previous post...)

The Lord appeared to Abraham in the trees. Abraham then saw three men and he and Sarah were very hospitable toward them. The Lord told Abraham that by next year, Sarah would be blessed with a boy. Sarah couldn’t believe it, “but I’m too old and have already gone through menopause!” The Lord told her to shush, and she did pretending that she didn’t say anything at all but of course, The Lord knew better.

Apparently, there are two very bad cities named Sodom and Gomorrah. God was going to destroy them. Abraham negotiated with God and they agreed if they could find ten good people of the city, then the city would not be wiped out. As we all know, most people suck and there were not ten good people to be found. The Lord sent out two hit-men (known as angels) who did the deed. They spared a man named Lot and his family because he was good and related to Abraham. Lot and his family fled to a nearby city. Lot’s wife died in the process because she’s a moron and didn’t understand that in those days, when one said “flee”, they aren’t talking about bugs and you shouldn’t look back. Moments later, Sodom and Gomorrah and everyone inside was destroyed.

Shortly after fleeing, Lot and his daughters moved to the mountains and lived in a cave. Unfortunately, there weren’t any fish in the sea at all for the daughters so they date-raped their father. He drank wine and had sex with each of his daughters (on different nights) because the daughters wanted to preserve the family line. Both of them ended up with a bun in the oven and each gave birth to healthy boys who each later ruled a group of people. (This stuff is better than Jerry Springer!)

When Abraham and his wife moved, they again pretended that they were siblings. This meant that the King thought she was on the market and decided to take her. Of course, God came to him in his dreams and told this king the truth and let him know that he must not have sex with that woman who was in fact married. The king goes, “oh shit, my bad” and bribes Abraham and all is well again.

Later, Sarah did get pregnant and had a boy named Isaac. Isaac was circumcised. Ishmael and the maid were still there, but Sarah didn’t like it and asked Abraham to become a deadbeat dad and abandon them. Abraham was distressed, but God told him it was okay and he could let them go because he would make sure that Ishmael was okay. Abraham obliged and nicely kicked the two out of the house. The maid went ballistic in the woods, but God came to her rescue and told her not to worry, he would be sure Ishmael would become a big deal.

Later there was a treaty over a well in the land of the king who tried to get nooky off of Abraham’s wife. Afterwards, Abraham was told by God to burn and sacrifice his son. Abraham went though the motions and almost killed his son until a mysterious angel told him to stop and that this was, in fact, just a test from God. Abraham passed.

It is later revealed that Abraham had a brother who had a ton of kids.

Sarah died. Abraham was obviously sad. He went to buy land to bury her in when the owner told him he could have it. Abraham refused and said he must pay. They went back and forth and eventually Abraham won and paid the value for the land to bury his dead wife.

To Be Continued...

Dec. 31st, 2006



Genesis: In Lamest Terms (part 1)


God created the Earth step-by-step in six days. It was all good, so good that he rested on the seventh day. Later, he created a man called Adam. Adam needed a companion, so he made Eve out of Adam’s rib. He put them in a garden called Eden and told them to have at it, but leave the “big kahuna” tree alone. This tree was the tree of the knowledge of evil.

A snake punk'd Eve who then punk'd Adam into eating an apple from the “big kahuna” tree. God was not a happy camper. He punished the snake for punking Eve and confined him to always crawl on the ground and eat dust. And due to the trifle with the woman, man would crush the snake’s head and the snake would bite at the ankle of man. For Eve’s wrongdoings, woman would have greater pains in childbearing. Man was punished by having to work to produce food.

Later, Adam and Eve had sex and gave birth to two sons, Cain and Abel. There was sibling rivalry between the two and in a jealous rage, Cain committed involuntary manslaughter and killed Abel. Later, God asked Cain where his brother was to which he responded, “how the hell should I know?” God has a way of finding things out and found out the truth and ran Cain out of town.

Somehow, Cain found a wife and had kids who had kids who had more kids and the world was suddenly full and populated. Everyone was living a very long time! Unfortunately, God was not happy with the situation here on Earth. He decided he would destroy what he created and make a huge flood. He did like one man named Noah and decided he could stick around along with his wife and kids. He bought him Boat-making For Dummies and had him build his own little zoo on the boat. Luckily, Noah finished just in time for the storm where it rained forever and a day.

When it stopped raining, everything was gone except Noah’s boat and God felt bad and said, “my bad, I won’t do that again!” He decided he’d make a rainbow to help him remember not to flood Earth anymore. Later, Noah’s kids were having babies who were having babies who were having even more babies and the world was again populated with many tribes of people who lived for a very long time.

One of these kids was named Abram. Abram had a calling from God to leave his hometown and create a great new nation. Abram left with his wife and his nephew. Well, shit went down and another man took Abram’s wife as his own and his nephew, Lot got into trouble. The Lord helped Abram out and everybody was happy again.

Now, Abram’s wife could not have children so she told him to sleep with the maid. Abram said okay and soon, the maid became pregnant. A love triangle formed and the maid become grumpy with Abram’s original wife who in response mistreated her. The maid ran away but God found her and told her to return. He told her to name her baby Ishmael and told her that he would be quite the handful.

God then came to Abram and told him he would rock everybody’s socks. He told him he should change his name to Abraham. He and Abraham formed a bond and were very tight. In order to express this male bonding, God said that Abraham and all the males among him were to be circumcised to symbolize this male bond.

He then told Abraham that his wife who was previously called Sarai should change her name to Sarah and he would allow her to give birth to a son that they should call Isaac. He would then form a special bond with Isaac and bless him as well..etc, etc, etc... Abraham asked, “woah, but what about my other son Ishmael” to which God replied he would be sure Ishmael was taken care of and blessed with a great nation too. Then they had a circumcision party.

To be continued...


From The Profile Page:

About Project Bible
The Bible is pretty big. It is my intention to read the entire book from beginning to end, starting with The Old Testament and ending with The New Testament. I am using the new international version for this project.

After reading a chapter, I will write a brief summary using my own words. I will then write about any of the things I "just don't buy into" or understand, questions, comments, thoughts, etc.

I hope to have a greater working knowledge of the books that influence so many people in this world. I am not looking to adopt a religion, become "closer to God", or change anyone's beliefs; I am merely looking to educate myself.

About Me And My Beliefs
I am a 22 year old female from central Indiana. My mother is Jewish and my father was born Catholic. I was not raised with any religion whatsoever. My experience with organized religion has been a small handful of Christian church services and several encounters with evangelists.

I am happily Agnostic. I don't believe that there has to be an answer to everything and I couldn't possibly begin to find one to the great religion question. I believe there is a higher being/power (God if you will) that somehow created us and this world/universe we live in. I consider the rest to be mere details that I don't have the answers to and I believe that any "God" will understand my disposition.

For those wishing to know more about me, my other journal is onda_bianca

About This Community
Project_Bible serves as a personal journal in the sense that only I can make posts. It was easiest for me to make this a community so I would not have to logout of my personal journal to update this one. Like a community, I do welcome and encourage comments from all points of view on any entry that is made. Discussion and polite debate from all view-points can only help in the learning process!

January 2007



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